|
rocksteady1106
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Camille
Interests: music-playing instruments, singing, and writing my own stuff, social criticism & social criticism literature, antiques/vintage/anything old, fashion, shoes, running, learning languages, travel
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Rocksteady1106
Member Since:
3/21/2004
|
|
| mood: exhausted
song: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd
Currently watching The Devil Wears Prada and though I don't really care for the movie (because it's all fluff and doesn't do the book justice), it seems super relevant to where I feel I am right now. It's really unfortunate in my opinion that people cannot freely express how they feel about their jobs via the internet for total fear that they will be persecuted and very likely be fired. Aside from the principle of it being completely wrong and invasive, it's sad because 1) the internet is one of the most (some people would arguably say the most) relevant ways to express ourselves in the age of the techno-everything 21st century and 2) for jobs, we commit so much of ourselves for such a great amount of our time to something that money aside, we maybe could care less about. So, back toc my point about my reference to The Devil Wears Prada, I can see how people can really get sucked into marrying their jobs (especially if they're at the bottom of the totem pole) and why and how it's completely terrible. On a side note, I've found that working full time with low pay makes me resent anyone who has a cushy job, people who make more than $30,000 after taxes (especially if they complain about not making enough money),or worst of all, people who don't have jobs at all (part time or full time). People who don't have jobs yet laze around all day, complaining that they don't have time to get stuff done around the house or whatever really grind my gears so much so that I want to shake them like a British nanny and mindlessly yell at them, "You are so lucky! You don't even know what you have!" I'm sure that not everyone feels this way about what they do for a living, but I really do understand why so many people feel like mindless drones who are being drilled into the ground nonstop all for the sake of productivity (whatever the fuck that's supposed to be worth). I now genuniely believe that authors of any and all distopian novels have had office jobs.
That aside, I've started running again in the past week and a half. I think I've gotten my endurance back (I'm able to run for 27 minutes straight at a respectable pace!), and though it really takes away from getting enough sleep, I love doing it again. I had a three month hiatus from any kind of exercise once I started working, and I didn't realize how much I missed it. I also miss weighing 20 pounds less, but that's another story for another night. I miss being around so many people all the time; I really took that for granted in school, and now I just feel like a hermit. Anyway, I'd better stop now while I'm ahead or I'll just talk about this until I'm blue in the face. In the meantime, it's song time!  Action Jackson
Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb. | | |
| mood: indifferent
song: The End of the World by The Cure
I feel kinda like Nessie, I guess. So, for everyone I haven't talked to in forever, I'm working at the UT Law School (accounting office-we're a party!), and it's got a lot of perks- the music building is across the street, and I can practice guitar on my lunch breaks, I don't really commute to work (though it thankfully costs less than $20 for me to fill up now. Woohoo!), I have awesome health insurance, I am getting 2 weeks off for Christmas, and I get a week vacation after 6 months instead of a year. Still practicing, am in the process of jamming with people, constantly trying to improve, and delving into bands I've never really invested time in before. I am able to write now, which is pretty cool and shows progress, a bunch of people are telling me I look really comfortable playing, and I can play through whole songs with other people, which I think says a lot. I'm definitely head and shoulders above where I was about a year ago, but there's still ruts to be had and progress to be made. For anyone who missed out on this, I have a kitty! She's precious and sweet, and her name is Dinah. I basically love her to pieces...most of the time. I've participated in a few jewelry shows and have sold 25-30 pieces/ a few hundred dollars worth of stuff. Other than all that, I feel fat, old, and like I wish there was eternal summer (summer like when you're in school and not summer like when you're working a job that isn't teaching). I'm too tired to write anything else. Ciao. ~Action Jackson
| | |
| ...Actually, to tell you the truth, f*ck if I know. Now is one of those times when I really feel the brunt of having impatience as a trait. And of course, at times, few things could go better with impatience than being a hard worker (especially when that quality wanes a little). They go together like peanut butter and mayonaise! Yay! I just feel like nothing is working or if that's not the case for something, I don't have nearly enough time for it (i.e. guitar, seeing people, etc.). I've been exercising pretty consistently for really the whole summer and especially the last few weeks. It's gradually become more of an uphill battle though, and I can really only tell myself so many times that I just need more time. I've started a new regimen this week of running and walking 4 miles in the morning and swimming 3/4+ miles at night. Even that doesn't seem to be doing anything for me. So naturally, today, I did what any girl would do- I had fries that the fry fairy (aka Lyss) brought me and went to Kyoto happy hour. I'm so ready to sacrifice my ethics to the gods in return for a knife in me (surgery; not otherwise).
Besides that, I feel like I'm about ready to trash all my jewelry because I've had pictures and prices posted on facebook, I have an etsy shop, I've set up advertisements on multiple websites, I've handed out business cards to shop owners and other crafty people I know/ people who I'd think would like my stuff, and nobody's bought a god damn thing. Sure, friends/acquaintances talk about buying things, but it seems people have a problem with following through? That or my jewelry's just really not that great. It's really hard not to doubt yourself when something you've invested so much into lands like a sloppy belly flop. If my personal attachment to my jewelry could be taken out of the picture, financially, I really can't invest in something that doesn't pay out. And, I know that businesses start out slowly most of the time, but for anyone who's sitting there wanting to tell me just that, you need to try to start a business with these same circumstances and see how that rings in your ears. I don't mean to say that flippantly or anything; I just mean to say, "easier said than done". I have a booth that I'm sharing with a guy at First Thursday two weeks from today, which is really my beacon of light at this point. At this rate, though, I can't help but be pessimistic about it. I had the idea to set my stand up like a candy shop, and I was originally excited by that, but even that doesn't sound too fantastic now.
I don't really want to go into all the details of everything else that's just not happening for me right now. However, I'll just say briefly that job hunting has been less than successful, and I hate investing time into an endeavor that makes me question everything about my ability and self as a whole. I really thought that it wouldn't be a problem snagging a job after having worked so hard my entire life. Perhaps that's naiive, but I don't know how I should or could see it any other way. I guess, aside from that, without really going into specifics, I just have to say that I feel really alone right now. It could be that I haven't seen so many of my friends in God knows how long. It could be that I've been reminded of how alone I am in my ways of thinking. It could be that the combination of these has rehashed some less than fond memories and unsettling thoughts for my brain. Or, maybe it's the sum of everything I'm really failing at right now. I definitely feel like I'm in a quicksand moment and that working harder isn't going to do a damn thing. More than that, I'm really skeptical that doing nothing would solve anything/everything (I'm sure whoever's reading this is wondering if that's actually contrary to what happens with quicksand).
Truthfully, I feel so incredibly overwhelmed by everything, and I'm really at a loss for what I should do. I don't really think I could stop doing what I'm doing (for example, I can't just stop looking for a job). I don't know any other way than working really hard and seeing results. Any advice would be appreciated, but I doubt if there's any to remedy all of this.
| | |
| mood: reflective, pensive
song: Tonight, Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins
It looks pretty good, right? (the movie, that is). The book's okay; it just drags on at times. Anyway, there's a character in the book, Dr. Manhattan, who has superhuman abilities due to a (can you guess it?) freak accident. He's kinda like the U.S. defense against any and all Cold War threats because he's poweful enough to counter and one-up anything (think Jean Grey/Phoenix on crack). At one point, he becomes totally frustrated with his life on earth and teleports to Mars to clear his head. I wish I could do that. At the same time, I wonder if I would really use that time to the best of my ability or if I would just totally space out into numbness. In a lot of ways, I already feel checked out and totally detached from so much. At the same time, I feel like I'm stuck in a catch 22, and being completely gone is my best defense. I think being in the middle of packing up for our move that's in a couple of days really forces me to be lost in my own thoughts. I can't pound out jewelry by the hour in this kind of frame, and I can't get myself to really stick to anything besides packing. The state of mind for packing is stressful and minimalist at the same time, especially as you progressively pack up more.
I was reading some old entries before I started writing this, and it really made me wonder how I got to where I am now. Thinking even more about it, I was compelled to wonder where I go from here. I suppose I think about that stuff occasionally, but usually I can just brush it off after a little while. My attitude (and really, answer to all that I just mentioned) can really be summed up with "what's the point?". I'm hoping that being dedicated to getting this weight off and doing a consistent swimming and weights workout will get me out of the rut of content numbness. And now, I leave you with these lyrics to ponder. AJ
Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That you're not stuck in vain
Were not the same, were different tonight
| | |
| mood: pensive as to why I'm not asleep yet
song: All Apologies by Nirvana
This song fits really well, despite the whole married part, though I suppose that could easily be interpreted as an obscure metaphor. However, if it is literal and fits the theme of In Utero, I'd have to say that's pretty frickin paramount and there's no dice. I don't want to dissect the song too much because a) it's a great song and b) I just hate it when people do that, but my two cents explain why this song in particular is relevant. I think it's so strange and ironic that a person, despite how apologetic they are, can be so alienated by the blame they bare, no matter how trite or even nonexistent the cause for that blame is. I feel like apologizing too much can and often does dig you a deeper hole, and part of me will never understand why. My sister stopped me in the middle of doing just that today, and it's really weird to reflect on because it's almost second nature to me. I know that sounds strange, but that's the way I am. I guess that incident in itself is the other reason why I feel this song is more than appropriate. I'll never really understand why people choose to alienate (to really ridiculous extents) and completely ignore "all apologies", but there has to come a point where one consciously realizes when there's nothing to be sorry for. AJ
What else should I be
All apologies
What else could I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies
In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
I'm married
Buried
I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezeburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy
In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
Married, Maried, Maried
Buried
All in all is all we are
| | |
|
